Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize