Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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