you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
