I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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