Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
