"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drunk is not a location!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
