I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize