the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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