We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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