If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
