I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize