the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
