I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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