i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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