I was born with a shot glass in my hand
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
