i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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