Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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