he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize