five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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