so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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