I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
