Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
