it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
