You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
