mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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