the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
