drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
