life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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