I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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