I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
