i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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