We're like a lot better than the average bears
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize