Don't make out with my wife yet
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
