Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
