I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
can u get pink eye on your cock?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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