Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
