Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i came on her dog
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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