Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I understand Curling. That high.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
