A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Text me some of your sweat
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize