yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
