she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
