It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
