I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
