hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
