Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
