just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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