My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
