I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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