Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
