I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
