i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just pynch a tree in the face
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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