I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
