my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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