dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
