can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
