like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
