Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
