Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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