It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
