You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
