last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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