dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
