I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize