i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You pole danced in your parka.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize