Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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