Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
